Gas station man

I stopped at the gas station one night it was pre-pay so I used my card. Glancing around while pumping I notice the mullet, jerk stash wearing attendent staring at me with binoculars. heebee geebee's all the way.

Fighting the half naked woman

I had started a second job and it was my first day on the job at a support care agency. I was to go and sit with this lady for 5 hrs and make sure she took her salad bowl of meds, eat, clean and most of all stay out of trouble. Glorified babysitter for adults with mr/dd!! Perfect..I love this field (it helps me make up my karma...just kidding...maybe not)

I arrive at the home and another co-worker is there to help me get acquainted with this lady. So I notice "slimer" has a chronic sniffling and rubbing her nose problem. ...ech.. alright....and loves to cuss like no one else could do it better! A fisherman's wife perhaps. "fucking bitch" by far was heard every 3 seconds..no joke. After hours of listening to this you have a tendency to pick up on it. So a few hours goes by and the co-worker informs me that she is leaving and the next staff will be in a couple hours....what?..leave me by myself. Yes, she had no problem doing just that. I can do this.... I decide to help her clean up and put laundry away..fucking...fucking...fucking bitch. Cursing was all I heard and then

***WHAM*** a laundry basket hit me.

"OK slimer you must want that over here...I'll just set it here"
she scurries back down the hall and I sit in remorse of what I took on.

**SLAM** here comes another basket and a "fuck you bitch" my way.
"OK slimer I'll set this here....anything else you want to move?"

wrong question...

she started cussing me out again, and the only words you could understand her say were the curse ones..seriously could not understand anything else but the bad ones. So after a thousand "fuck you bitch" I was irritated that she couldn't remember my name. It wasn't "bitch".

"Slimer..honey.. (as slow as possible...like talking to foreign people) My name is creature teacher not bitch...can you say that in a sentence (to help remember, it's the teacher in me)
say..fuck you creature teacher"

slimer looked at me like I was crazy..like it almost kicked her into reality. nope.

Next thing I know she is running around out of control and yelling. I can't help her with her problem because I couldn't understand a dang thing she said (I think she was looking for a particular shirt she liked). All I could do is watch her run around half naked, huge fake satin granny panties on and her "hoo..hoo's" dangleling in the breeze!! She's pissed cause I can't understand her and there is no phone (she likes to rip them out of the wall) and I didn't have a cell (OH I do now). Slimer starts to attack...ok I've done this before...assume protective stance...did it...she grabs the collar of my shirt and starts looking down my shirt at my "sista's"....how rude is that?..she was staring straight at my twins...I told her to stop looking at my chest (men have to pay to see these...and here, she's getting a free gander at them..cheap shot slimer) and then she went for the hair grab. (I thought I was in a jello wrestling contest...half naked lady..staring at my chest...hair pulling.. a little tougher then I'm used to)
So I had to spend the last 15 minutes of my 1st day on the job restraining a lady in her granny panties up against her fridge. Lucky for me the next worker wasn't late or there would've been hell to pay.

I learned 2 things that day...
1) I can now swear with the best of them.
2) beer before liquor never been sicker....is true.

The good lord is in trouble!

I will be posting old stories this next 2 wks since the monsters are on vacation..

Birdman..(which describes him to a tee) is obsessed with ..you guessed it..birds. One day in his front yard a daring bird flies and hits the little lad in his chest and falls to his fate in front of birdman. Birdman with such hungry in his eyes picks up the little fella and quickly runs into his house to show his mother what just hit him. Birdman's mother in horror encourages him quickly to run back outside and set the birdie free...knowing what birdman can do to this poor bird. Birdman complies with his mothers wish and runs back outside (she quickly follows) and birdman throws the bird...yep, wrong direction ...on the ground and stomps on it to show his mother the guts....

Birdman is a very disturbed child and that's why he goes to my school. We eventually discover that his mother has been teaching him about Jesus and how he lives in birdmans heart. Which is a great attempt to try and help him with the "killing things" if I shall be so blunt. So it seem to help some with getting him to let the poor bugs free out of his clutch "Jesus made bugs for us to share!" ok...I didn't mind this Jesus stuff, as long as his mother was fine and she started it...great! He did good at listening with the word jesus somewhere in the sentence..nice ..working with him was just a little easier.

We're camping (yes we even take the autistic kids camping for 3 days and 2 hellish nights) and birdman and I are hiking...he see's some birds that he wants to chase and slip...*CRASH** Birdman is down.....

Birdman....(oh and i quote) "Fuck....youuuuu jeesssuuuussssss"..echo..echo..
tons of crying in the middle of the woods

me....(trying not to fall over and cry laughing myself) "Birdman calm down..your ok"

birdman.."why did jesus do this to me?"

me...."uh...birdman..you slipped on the rocks...it's not jesus' fault...sometimes it happens...you weren't focused cause you were looking at the birds"

birdman.."i hate you jesus..." he starts pounding on his chest because his mother told him that jesus lives inside you..(ok maybe not him though)

me...."don't worry birdman..jesus will have his hands full one day..don't worry"

I wasn't sure if I should then explain about satan..or if that would ruin the plan.

The monsters go on vacation! yeah!

So friday was the last day before the monsters go on 2 week break to tear up the holidaze. What flippin nightmare. Lucky me had 2 restraints in 10 minutes (the most in the school for the day) over what you ask? (do you?) Food...marshmallows to be exact..we had to make snowman out of marshmallows, icing, gum drops and pretzels. A cute idea for kids that can wait till they finish making them. Shriek on the other hand is not one of those cute kids. He dropped a gum drop on the floor and it rolled under his desk and decided he wanted fester's gum drop and charged him. Fester let out this deep, stern "sstttoopppp" to shriek ...i stop in shock of the voice that just came out of fester...shriek did not though....so this leads to a restraint with shriek.....everybody and their brother ran into the room from hearing the commotion the yelling and screaming...let alone the 2 young volunteers from a high school trying to show the kids how to do the activities...I'm trying to look all professional and people are trying to say something to me and I'm telling them I got it under control, no help needed.."I'm a professional" I proclaim with my au natural sarcasm. Finally the one teacher came up closer and said "creature teacher...shrieks pants are down"...."oh"

After feeding time we go into the community to take the kids to the park and let them make a small purchase of some sort. We stopped at Taco Hell so I could pick up lunch for myself. Lurch also likes t.h. but chose to buy something else earlier but he couldn't resist eating something from t.h.

creature teacher "Lurch...what are your doing?.. you can't eat hot sauce throw it in this bag"

lurch "Stop it ms creature teacher...I can to, it makes me all hot spicy on the insides"

finally i get him to throw it out and a few moments later, we hear lurch making some funny sounds..

c.t. "what's wrong lurch?"

lurch "oh my.. i need some water"

c.t. snickers "why?"

lurch "oh my... i have some heart burn....I'm sorry creature teacher I just want to be good"

c.t. "you need to listen to staff and throw that hot sauce out next time"

lurch "can I go home and dream on fri jan 13th we goto taco bell?"

c.t. "sure thing lurch"

I'm thankful he has the next two weeks off

Lurch

Today we're in the classroom and I hear lurch...

"ruff"...."rrruuuufff"...."ruff"..."rrrruuuuufffffff"

"Hey lurch..what are you doing?"

"I'm ruffing" reply's with confindence like nothings wrong or out of sorts.

"oH".....simple enough.

A song to get you in the mood

We discovered this last year and was excited that I remembered it. You won't be able to get this song out of your head for hours. i love it!


http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/

Don't sniff the peaches

I was supposed to have an easy day, I had the "higher functioning" students so they talk and goto work to an actual job site.. it has to be easy....right? The first student eddie monster starts off his day watching shriek tear up the classroom in the morning with a different staff, he decides that this looks cool and tries to join in. So he's trying to test the waters to see what he can get away with by squeezing my hand and telling me he's going to sleep ON me. No, eddie thats "not appropiate" and I glance at my hand to let him know I can feel him squeezing my hand. "Why?" inquires eddie monster "cause you won't be able to sleep?"he continues. I shake my head and explain why both his words and action are inappropriate and I quickly sho him out of the room and into another so he doesn't keep picking up tips on how to act like an ass from shriek.

So off to the work site we go and by the time we get to the work site he's still not focused and remains unfocused for awhile. Eddie jumps out of the van once park and starts to run around the empty parking lot yelling

eddie: "Come chase me creature teacher come chase me!!"....manic laughing continues

my smart ass reply..."No, Eddie creature teacher chases NO ONE"

there goes eddie running along side the building up to the front.....he showed me.....I chased eddie.

Eddie remained "silly" for quite awhile even giving me an re-enactment of a cops show. He yelled "get down on the floor! shut up! your under arrest and going to jail" (what the??....) and says "look creature teacher I'm in jail" unfortunately I had to ruin his fun (i was kinda freaked out but still laughing on the inside of course) and tell him to get back in reality. Eddie really snapped out of it when he found out the other kids get a glass of soda for the work they did. nearly crying...."I wanna work creature teacher...please...I'm sorry.... I want a soda...let me work" WOWZA!!! the fucking power of soda!!! and hell ya, you should be begging to work, do you realize the shape of the economy?!

Angel eddie walks into work and cleans like a mutha! he even cleaned the underside of the tables!! Soda brought him back, being left out, and knowing he wasn't getting a treat. NOT my kind, compassionate ways, understanding and the ability to take a couple of cracks. Soda.

Ok OK....lunch time as usual, the calmest part of the day with food being a natural motivator for one and all. I hear a small..ssniff....then this little chuckle...sssnnifff...chuckle a little louder....this keeps going each time getting a little louder. It's Fester (he's a quiet kid) he keeps smelling his peaches and laughing which of course made me laugh. At one time he was even going bug-eyed while smelling the peaches and the cutest belly i'm in reality laugh..laugh. It really helped me get over the morning with eddie.
Never fail though eddie was soon back in la-la land and made my afternoon a living hell also!
Lesson of the day...take time to smell your peaches because they may make you laugh too!

That crazy snow

I saw a student (I'll call him taz) walk out of the classroom slip and fall flat on his face. How is this funny you ask?? Well, taz starts to punch the ground and scream at the top of his lung...."Fuck you Ms. X....fuck yyyoooouuuuuu" the better part is that Ms. X is no where around at all. It took about 5 minutes to calm him down and to make him it wasn't her fault and sometimes it just happens due to the melting snow. Boy, did I have a good laugh.

I don't know

"I don't know" is one of my favorite responses from my unfavorable student. In fact I hear myself saying it alot so I have to deal with less. Am I turning into a student...has autism rubbed off on me...did I catch mental retardation? I think I did. Shriek can slug the shit out of me and I can ask him "Why are you hitting?" and he'll answer with the typical answer of "I don't know". Does he really? So here I sit in front of the computer and ask myself "what should I write in my blog?" and I have the typical answer of "I don't know".


I do know that I have a wonderful boyfriend (finally) who is so cool he came over to my family's house to help decorate christmas cookies. He won't admit it but I have some cookies (for a little bit) to prove it. He would only decorate the snowmen but they were very artistic and not autistic (like mine).

Duh of the day!

Don't ever change your electronics to Japanese writing because it'll take a little bit to change the settings back.

My special audience

So today there I am standing in the middle of the worksite where we take a few students to transition them into a place of work when the graduate. A large majority of other mentally challenged adults work there also. The kid of course doesn't want to work (neither do I) so he is "acting out" and telling me to "f*ck off " all of the sudden I hear the other 30 sum workers let out a synchronized "ooohhhh" ok, whatever...."B*tch" says the student...."ooohhhh"...I'm trying not to flick them off. The student pushes me and causes me to do a quick slip (due to the lack of tread) but I manage to catch myself "OOOOHHHH" ...it took all i could to restrain myself from laughing but I still wanted to flick them all off. Lesson of the day...even the mentally challenge don't want my job.

Swimming in a glass of water

Well there I was facing the day and drinking ample amounts of coffee so I can have the quick stealth like reflexes I need to survive the day. Not only is Monday the first day of the week but it's also the day I get to be a human punching bag for a mere 6 hours straight. Shriek.. I call him... is my student for the day. This kid is seriously built like shriek just shorter. Today we are video taping his "manic" smile and ass kicking ways.

Action......We would do a worksheet in which he would throw the pen to try and get out of the work....nope..pick up the pen and start your work.....***SLAP*** right in the titty...I look at the director to chuckle and ask her if she caught it on tape and her reply was that she heard it just fine. It felt like the titty slap that was heard across the world and I can still hear the sound it made today. This kid is lazy so he has to rrooooooollll his chair over to the pen and then pick it up....fine. So for the next few hours he continued to chase his pen around the room and roll around after it. He hates getting out of his chair and all the kids go running like anybody would when they see an orge coming towards them. Now it's lunch time, I have 4 new bruises for the week and it's the most peaceful time of the day. I'm standing on the other side of the room (because he loves to throw the food he doesn't like) and low and behold he rises out of his chair with a cup of water walks towards me (I'm not feeling to safe, a little weary) I quickly order him to sit back down (thanks to the coffee for heightening my reflexes) he doesn't (his mind is on a 10 second delay) I quickly order once again by this time he's right in front of me and **SPLASH*** he threw the water on me. NOW my commands are probally registering in his brain because he turns around and sits back down. He's not to lazy when he is inspired to play a prank on the creature teacher is my lesson of the day.

Am I cool now or what?

I'm trying to be cool with some new acquired friends that all have blogs. I like challenges (I'm a special ed teacher) and technology is always slapping me in the back of the head and my grammar and spelling is right behind him. So excuse all the errors, lucky me the kids are low functioning and only learn social skills...like... it's not nice to walk by someone and just punch them.

Which leads me to talk about me for a second...I work with kids and young adults with autism and multiple mental health issues I absolutely love my job with my whole heart and very lucky for the opportunity. BUT.... the job has many funny moments that I must share with other people!

Hence. Friday I find myself sitting at a table with 4 students and another teacher playing memory with 72 picture cards and the kids have 5 second memories...about 1hr play time. The kids would only pick up the cards that were right in front of them so I show the kids that there are more cards in the middle and made them reach for the other unused cards. They do this with prompts just fine...now I'm realizing none of them are getting a pair.....So I start peeking under the other cards to help them feel like winners...before I know it they are all doing it....I taught the kids how to cheat and they like it. They were helping each other cheat amongst one kid (I'll call him lurch) who is yelling and threatening the others that if they cheat again he's gonna punch them in the face. Did I start a riot I think to myself. So after defusing the situation and finishing the game we departed for "small purchase" time. So we go to my car, a tiny honda civic cx...I can put the car in my pocket thats how small it is. I then notice the size of my students I'm about to jam in my car. Lurch is 6foot3 and marshmallow boy is 325lbs! So I cram them in to my tiny hatchback civic. So, off we go sliding down the snowy ice filled street at top speed of 8mph.... leaving behind the thought that I just taught the kids to cheat at the game memory.